Current mood:	discontent
Current music:	Nickelback - If Everyone Cared

Starless vs. CC: Part 2
The Crisis Core MST continues...


Notes:
OGC=Original Game Canon, or the '97 release of FF7. Oh, those were the days.
Retcon=Retroactive continuity, or newly added shit that doesn't make sense when combined with OGC.
Zach and Aeristh=the twisted variations of Zack and Aeris that appear in Crisis Core.
(Yes, I acknowledge that "Aerith" is technically correct. I just don't like the way it sounds...and, like "Angeal", it makes the allusion (Earth -> Aerisu -> Aerith) a little too obvious for my tastes. "Zach" is just there to prevent confusion with that nice boy from OGC :P)

The walkthrough being used as a reference starts here.

Part 1
Part 2: Sword enlargement spam
Well, last time we learned that Angeal has a tendency to make absolutely no sense. Now, this is the only time that I'll be putting in a good word for Angeal: I really don't want to hate him. Really. He's easily the funniest cast member, with that offbeat sense of humor that made OGC what it was. He has moments of realistic characterization. His VA was a good choice. He's attractive.

BUT :SJF:SJFS, THE MAN IS A WALKING RETCON. And for that, I'm obligated to hate him. The redesigned Buster Sword, the wing motif, the fact that he makes up 1/3 of the retconned Jenova Project that should make Nibelheim NO surprise, even to Sephiroth...
...really, now. Some things cannot be forgiven. Sorry, Angeal. Call me if you get a new backstory.

With that little disclaimer out of the way, the scene opens back up on the SOLDIER training floor. Yes, they have one floor. Out of...seventy? Seventy-seven? I can't remember, but I'd expect more than one for the elite warrior classes. Where do they stay, anyway? Living arrangements are never mentioned. Does everyone crash in the janitor's closet on the 49th floor or what?

ANYWAY, the scene opens on the 49th floor with someone groaning in the background. I am pleased to announce that this sounds a lot /less/ sexual than it did in the Japanese release. Which is good, because Zach...D: D: D:
Luckily, he's just cooling off with some squats.

"Why, Miss Starless!" the naive viewer may remark. "Isn't that Zack's trademark from OGC? Behold, glorious continuity!"
If only. The squats seem to appear strangely often--every time Zach has a free moment, in fact. It's just a rather forced attempt at drawing parallels between Zack/Zach's activities while doing nothing to link their characterizations =/

We're met with a Second Class(?) SOLDIER. I thought the uniforms were, like, bright red, but whatever. They make small talk--apparently, SOLDIERs have been deserting en masse over in Wutai. Zach seems surprised. I wouldn't be--an unjust war has been going on for the last two decades and people are finally getting tired of it? SHOCK! :O

Angeal tells Zach to report to Director Lazard for mission details. Zach, of course, practically has a seizure at the thought of real combat.

"Why, Miss Starless!" my hypothetical viewer may ask. "Who the fuck is Lazard?"
Well, you know President Shinra's rumored bastard child from OGC? Turns out that it wasn't Cloud after all. And...that's really all that you need to know about Lazard. Apparently he directs SOLDIER while General Sephiroth...um...spends his days baking cookies or something? Predictably, he tells Zach that he's about to be dispatched to Wutai, but Zach seems surprised. I can't imagine why--he's a soldier, and they're in a war. A rather stupid war, if The Princess Bride is any indication:

Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia...

Oh, Shinra. Your ineptitude will never fail to entertain me.

Angeal announces that he's recommended Zach for First Class.
Zach: *dorkgasm* Oh-oh, Angeal! Angeeeeeal! Oh, I LOVE YOU, MAN! *attack-hugs*
FangirlsEverywhere: *cheer*
Angeal: ...>_> *pushes off* Don't make me regret this, Zach.
Oh, Angeal. I love you already. SEAL OF APPROVAL! ...wait, nevermind. You're a walking retcon D:
Lazard: *chuckles*
And him. Him too. SEAL OF APPRO-wait, retcon D:

Kunsel offers you one last tutorial before you go. He does so by spamming the everloving fuck out of your inbox. But hey, any time Zach spends sorting through endless spam from Kunsel is time when he could be out hurting people, so I consider this a service to humanity. It's good to keep your mindless killing machines distracted.

Kunsel: Well, knowing you, you probably won't remember everything after one read.
I love anyone who makes fun of Zach, and everything but Kunsel's last few emails meshes perfectly with OGC. SEAL OF APPROVAL!
Zach: That's not true...
Kunsel: Well, read it when you need to refresh your memory. It'll come in handy, I promise.
Aww, that Kunsel is such a nice boy n.n I've heard that Crisis Core only came about because the team wanted to do something with a SOLDIER. It would have been so nice if they'd just used Kunsel here n.n ...sadly, we got retcons, canon rape, and Zach. Damn it all.

Kunsel (n.n) gives Zach yet another walkthrough, this time on registering for missions. You'd think that this would be pretty intuitive, but we are dealing with Zach here.

Kunsel: In these supply pods are items you can use in battle. The company sends them to us periodically.
Well, I guess you have to keep your wage slaves happy.
Zach: I see. They're like provisions for SOLDIER members.
..."like"? Also, how can you get promoted from Third to Second Class while being this new?
Kunsel: It'd be a shame to squander the company's good will. Check it out before you go on assignment.
Haha. Shinra. Good will.
Now, you can take your items and pester Kunsel into giving you his. Because he's so nice, and Zach takes shameless advantage of nice people >_>

And now, to Zach's inbox. Joy.
Kunsel: Kunsel here. Now that you've got your mail account ready, allow me, your loyal and well-connected pal, to give you lots of insider info.
Not like Zach is going to listen =/
Kunsel: Why? Because I'm such a nice guy...
You're the only character I can stand so far. Don't ruin this for me.
Kunsel: ...and because I know you and your one track mind don't know what I know!
That's better n.n Mocking Zach makes everything better.

Time to report back to Angeal and Lazard.
Lazard: By the way, what is your dream? "To become First." ...is it?
Zach: No...
At this point, Zach strikes his obnoxious "hero" pose. I fucking hate that pose. He also nods into the distance with the unbearably smug satisfaction of a self-righteous douchebag.
Zach: To become a hero!
Sweet heavens above, this is sad.
Lazard: Ah, good! Unattainable dreams are the best kind.
I like you. Must you encourage him so?

And, with that, we're off to Wutai.

...
BUT, before I end this piece, iiiiit's rant time. Now, "becoming a hero" was most definitely a theme in the original game--specifically what it meant to become a hero. We got this with Cloud, who bought into the mass marketed "Join Shinra, Become A Hero" propaganda from Shinra-owned newspapers and posters. However, OGC actually addressed that this was a flawed viewpoint: Sephiroth, posterboy for Becoming A Hero, was actually miserable and incredibly fucked up. Cloud, who completely failed to become a hero in the propaganda-based sense, was...still miserable and fucked up, but he saved the world despite being regarded as a "failure". And Zack, who had the SOLDIER dream but took a back seat to Sephiroth propaganda-wise, never displayed any interest whether or not his actions would be interpreted as heroic; he was only concerned with helping the people around him. And, so, Cloud came to shift his viewpoint away from idolizing the "manufactured" Sephiroth-as-hero ideal towards idolizing the much more human Zack as a quote-unquote "true" hero, which helped Cloud to grow as a person, blahblahcharacterdevelopment, etc.

So why, pray tell, have we moved from some clear definition of heroism (as independent from Shinra's recruitment campaigns) to this hazy concept that seems to involve dreams (also undefined), honor (also undefined), and dying for the sake of the company (even though the company strays into grey and downright black morality from time to time)?

Thanks for undermining everything you said in OGC, SE.