InsaneJournal

Current mood:	apathetic
Current music:	FF7 OST - BOMBING MISSION, FUCK YEAH
Entry tags:	crisis core, lulz

Starless vs. CC: Part 1
Now, I'd been planning to mercilessly MST Final Fantasy VII: Crisis Core since I realized that they were going to change Zack's death scene, and nothing really happened to those plans. They just got delayed, and a little of the fire died--this was originally going to have a lot more macros, and I had that version drafted a few weeks after the Japanese release...buuuut I got distracted, and here we stand: the English release is out, and I'll be following it on YouTube (because SE isn't getting any more of my money unless they can get back on my good side).


Yes, definite spoilers.
Notes:
OGC=Original Game Canon, or the '97 release of FF7. Oh, those were the days. Even though I didn't actually get into the fandom until after Advent Children.
Retcon=Retroactive continuity, or newly added shit that doesn't make sense when combined with OGC.
Zach and Aeristh=the twisted clones of Zack and Aeris that appear in Crisis Core.
(Yes, I acknowledge that "Aerith" is technically correct. I just don't like the way it sounds...and, like "Angeal", it makes the allusion (Earth -> Aerisu -> Aerith) a little too obvious for my tastes. "Zach" is just there to prevent confusion with that nice boy from OGC :P)

The walkthrough being used as a reference starts here.

Part 1: Just like you remembered, except not
We begin with a lovely overview of the city of Midgar, along with some nostalgic music. How pleasant n.n You'll notice that the date has been bumped up to FF7verse-2000, which probably conflicts with the OGC dates on Jenova's helmet...but I swear, the inscription on the helmet changes as often as Zack's eye color. We'll be fine.

We're treated to a fun chase of a runaway train and a ~*~mystery~*~ SOLDIER...hm, who could it be? Oh! I'll bet it's Sebastian from Before Crisis! ...it's Zack. You know, Zack, that wonderful guy with the crazy...spiked...hair. Wait, nvm. This can't be Zack. This dude has bangs that I'd usually see on an emo kid, and he's too pale. ...it's Essai from Before Crisis! Okay, everyone wave at Essai!

If you watched, uh, Essai's original intro, it was an obnoxious "YOKAI!" before jumping out of the pursuing helicopter. In English, we get "Oh yeah!" If you think it sounds rape-y when the Kool Aid man does it, just double that effect and you've got Essai here.

Angeal--see? See what a clever pun that is? 'cause he's an ANGEL and ohforgetit--warns Essai to get serious. I don't see how anyone could take this seriously after Essai just JUMPED OUT OF A HELICOPTER AND ONTO A MOVING TRAIN, but--

"Zack!"

*sighs* Okay, so we won't be playing as Essai. Allow me my flights of fancy.

"Zack, focus. There are no Shinra troops on this train, understood?"

Yeah, of course we understand. You just said it was full of Wutai troops, not Shinra. Why would this be hard to understand, unless they took hostages or something?
...of course, Shinra troops immediately appear and begin shooting at Zach. Just as planned? Hilarious as this is now, IT WON'T BE SO FUNNY LATER ON >( Unless you've been rooting for Zach to get what's coming to him.

Zach's annoying catch phrase has become "Come and get it!" Personally, I'd been hoping for "Good morning, sunshine!", but CC can only be so hilarious.

He merrily dodges bullets and performs the gravity-defying leaps that the post-Advent Children fandom has come to expect, knocking troopers out of the way left and right. BUT YOU WON'T BE DOING THAT LATER, WILL YOU? >D

"Why, Miss Starless! How could you hate a nice boy like Zack with gleeful comments about his inevitable, looming, horrific demise?" you may wonder.
Oh. Oh. You will learn.

After jumping from the train and completing this homage to OGC, Zach gets a phone call. Oh, the retcons that this little cell phone will be responsible for...

Zach: Zach speaking.
Ange(a)l: Making progress, Zach?
Zach: What's going on, Angeal? Why are we fighting Shinra troops?
Well, now we know Important Fact #1 about Zach: He's literally the type to strike first and ask questions later. Charming.
Angeal: They're Wutai troops in disguise. Now, head to the open area above.
Zach takes this at face value. This is ultimately true(...-ish. It's largely irrelevant, since the entire tutorial is an in-game simulation anyway), but it provides us with Important Fact #2 about Zach: Give him any explanation and he'll bend to authority, regardless of how stupid said authority sounds. Unless said authority reminds him to wear a bulletproof vest.

Zach continues chatting with Angeal while Not-Troopers shoot at him.
Zach: So I can cut loose, right?
And so, Important Fact #3: Zach really just wants to hit things and make the shiny go boom. Contrast with BeforeCrisis!Zack, who would go out of his way to avoid conflict--even with "monsters".
Angeal: ...use some discretion.
Zach: It's showtime! 8D
No, seriously. The "8D" in his voice is pretty much audible.

You fight through more random troops, making it obvious that SE is really going out of their way for this throwback to FF7. If only they put so much effort into maintaining the continuity between the overall storylines D: You get more directions from Angeal, a mini-boss is fought...oh, and then Masamune comes out of nowhere.

Sephiroth: Showing your back to the enemy... Overconfidence will destroy you.
Oh, yes it will. Sadly, his demise will be so glorified that nobody will call him on it.
Zach: Wh-what is this!?
Shameless fanservice is what it is. The entire simulation only exists because it's too ridiculous to appear in actual gameplay--even for CC.
They fight for no discernible reason.
Zach: Damn it! You're not the only hero!
What does that...have to do with...?_?
Sephiroth: It's over.
WHY ARE THEY FIGHTING? I really hate that Sephiroth has been turned into this ridiculous caricature that only appears as the standard Bad Thing To Fight. He was never that great of a villain (though he was an interesting character before the Nibelheim incident concluded), so why is he suddenly the epitome of all evil that conveniently appears as Conflict In A Can? Yes, I know this isn't technically Sephiroth, but let's not kid ourselves about why such a familiar face appeared here.

Angeal, seeming shocked, goes to rescue Zach from this...glitch in the Matrix or whatever. He saves Zach from Glitchiroth and cancels the simulation, and we get our first good view of the Buster Sword. It has...wings. Engraved wings. To be fair, it had these wings when it appeared in Advent Children, but it did not have them in the original game.
Zach sounds angry about training being over, even if it is for his own good. Again, to be fair, I think it's just the English VA--the Japanese version had a lot less irrational yelling >_>
Angeal decides to distract him...with a speech. It's a DreamdAndHonor speech--the first of many.

Angeal: Zach. Embrace your dreams.
Zach: Huh?
Oh, good. Someone else is as confused as I am, even if I don't usually like to be associated with that particular someone else. Seriously, Angeal, what?
Angeal: If you want to be a hero, you need to have dreams...and honor.

With that, Angeal walks away, leaving Zach every bit as confused as the audience.