The lover you don't have to love (![[info]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} starless) wrote,@ 2008-01-23 22:13:00 |
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I just can't focus on my homework right now, so I'm opting for some ranting instead.
I wasn't kidding about the emo. If teenagers angsting makes you want to start smear campaigns and bitch to wank sites, there's probably a pretty arrow in the corner of your browser? Yeah, find that, plzkthx.
Now, with that out of the way, the bitching. Goddamn, I've been feeling like shit for the last two weeks.
1) I feel fat. Not a terribly original problem, but an honest one. I've been dieting harder. I've been working out more. So WHY, for the love of all that is sacred and holy, does the bathroom scale say that I've GAINED five pounds!? This leaves me 5'something, 150 pounds, and completely unfuckable.
2) Whether or not I'm fuckable, I don't like any boys. Were I a more stable person, I may embrace this, seeing it as a chance to assert my individuality and free spirit without worrying about the confines of a relationship. But when I have friends on their twelfth or thirteenth boyfriend when I've never had one, I'd kinda like to find a boy just so I could say "...me? Yeah, I've dated." But no, the lack of attractive boys at my school (and this isn't me being warped boy pop culture; female relatives have always found the local boys unattractive. My mother attended this school and stayed single for years due to the same problem; she ultimately married a hot transfer student) leaves me not wanting any of them, even though I want a relationship in general. If only to prove my fuckability.
...honestly, this is a minor point, but it still annoys me.
3) Guess what? I have no college fund. Oh, joy. Turns out that my father, despite reassuring me that he was putting money away every week, never bothered to calculate just HOW MUCH college/medical school was going to cost, meaning he's drastically short. Now, I'd already restricted myself to an in-state education due to the discounts available, despite the fact that I would like nothing better than to leave the state of Georgia behind me (not that I don't love my parents; I'd visit THEM on major holidays. But as far as living in the region itself for even one more year? Do not want). Due to $100,000 in insurance money, the total college fund for two children is...$140,000, 70k a kid. So now there's talk of not only keeping me in-state, but keeping me in TOWN, due to how insanely poor my father's planning was. The advice I've received on the subject has all been equally impractical: my father thinks it's hopeless, my mother thinks I should be grateful that anything was saved (GRATEFUL? BULLSHIT. I TRUSTED HIM WITH THIS.), Fran thinks I should do...something (we're a bit short on ideas), and Zack isn't quite sure what to suggest.
Personally, I think my mother should get a goddamn job and stop leeching off of my father's money before she talks to ANYONE about gratitude.
4. I feel empty. Call me an elitist (hell, call me whatever you want. I never said you had to love me), but I built myself around the fact that I was better than this town. Going to enter the labor force and turn into a miserable drone? That's okay! I'll have my dream job, and I'll never be poor! I can move anywhere in the country and be cool without ever having to worry about getting bogged down in a goddamn swamp like this place. No social life? Fannish tendencies? Fat? It's okay--you're brilliant. You're better than these people. Academics make up for everything in a high enough dose. These suckers will be going to college in town while you're at UGA, partying in Athens--and you'll only be THERE because you're being NICE, restricting yourself to in-state institutions to save your poor parents money. But no. Now I'm one of the townies, and everything I covered up with my grades is out in the open. I've just got the ugly, naked truth, and I don't like it.
5. I'm TIPsick. Not a little bit, and not in a controllable way. I'd been counting on college (and not some redneck community college) to help me get that feeling back--the feeling of being accepted, of being surrounded by the like-minded, of being okay. My parents always promised me to wait until I graduated high school, since college would be perfect. I doubt anything could measure up to TIP, but I was willing to give it a shot if it got me out on my own. And now I can't even have that. So now I can really measure what I've lost with TIP, and it hurts to know that I can't have that back.
Come on, world. Just one more WaSW?
Also, my mother misdiagnosed a severe gallbladder infection as a heart attack on Saturday night. I've received a really disproportionate amount of praise for handling it calmly instead of freaking out, but the truth is? I was only calm because I didn't care all that much. I probably would have been freaking the hell out if it had been Zack or Fran. You guys are way more like family than she is ♥
I wasn't kidding about the emo. If teenagers angsting makes you want to start smear campaigns and bitch to wank sites, there's probably a pretty arrow in the corner of your browser? Yeah, find that, plzkthx.
Now, with that out of the way, the bitching. Goddamn, I've been feeling like shit for the last two weeks.
1) I feel fat. Not a terribly original problem, but an honest one. I've been dieting harder. I've been working out more. So WHY, for the love of all that is sacred and holy, does the bathroom scale say that I've GAINED five pounds!? This leaves me 5'something, 150 pounds, and completely unfuckable.
2) Whether or not I'm fuckable, I don't like any boys. Were I a more stable person, I may embrace this, seeing it as a chance to assert my individuality and free spirit without worrying about the confines of a relationship. But when I have friends on their twelfth or thirteenth boyfriend when I've never had one, I'd kinda like to find a boy just so I could say "...me? Yeah, I've dated." But no, the lack of attractive boys at my school (and this isn't me being warped boy pop culture; female relatives have always found the local boys unattractive. My mother attended this school and stayed single for years due to the same problem; she ultimately married a hot transfer student) leaves me not wanting any of them, even though I want a relationship in general. If only to prove my fuckability.
...honestly, this is a minor point, but it still annoys me.
3) Guess what? I have no college fund. Oh, joy. Turns out that my father, despite reassuring me that he was putting money away every week, never bothered to calculate just HOW MUCH college/medical school was going to cost, meaning he's drastically short. Now, I'd already restricted myself to an in-state education due to the discounts available, despite the fact that I would like nothing better than to leave the state of Georgia behind me (not that I don't love my parents; I'd visit THEM on major holidays. But as far as living in the region itself for even one more year? Do not want). Due to $100,000 in insurance money, the total college fund for two children is...$140,000, 70k a kid. So now there's talk of not only keeping me in-state, but keeping me in TOWN, due to how insanely poor my father's planning was. The advice I've received on the subject has all been equally impractical: my father thinks it's hopeless, my mother thinks I should be grateful that anything was saved (GRATEFUL? BULLSHIT. I TRUSTED HIM WITH THIS.), Fran thinks I should do...something (we're a bit short on ideas), and Zack isn't quite sure what to suggest.
Personally, I think my mother should get a goddamn job and stop leeching off of my father's money before she talks to ANYONE about gratitude.
4. I feel empty. Call me an elitist (hell, call me whatever you want. I never said you had to love me), but I built myself around the fact that I was better than this town. Going to enter the labor force and turn into a miserable drone? That's okay! I'll have my dream job, and I'll never be poor! I can move anywhere in the country and be cool without ever having to worry about getting bogged down in a goddamn swamp like this place. No social life? Fannish tendencies? Fat? It's okay--you're brilliant. You're better than these people. Academics make up for everything in a high enough dose. These suckers will be going to college in town while you're at UGA, partying in Athens--and you'll only be THERE because you're being NICE, restricting yourself to in-state institutions to save your poor parents money. But no. Now I'm one of the townies, and everything I covered up with my grades is out in the open. I've just got the ugly, naked truth, and I don't like it.
5. I'm TIPsick. Not a little bit, and not in a controllable way. I'd been counting on college (and not some redneck community college) to help me get that feeling back--the feeling of being accepted, of being surrounded by the like-minded, of being okay. My parents always promised me to wait until I graduated high school, since college would be perfect. I doubt anything could measure up to TIP, but I was willing to give it a shot if it got me out on my own. And now I can't even have that. So now I can really measure what I've lost with TIP, and it hurts to know that I can't have that back.
Come on, world. Just one more WaSW?
Also, my mother misdiagnosed a severe gallbladder infection as a heart attack on Saturday night. I've received a really disproportionate amount of praise for handling it calmly instead of freaking out, but the truth is? I was only calm because I didn't care all that much. I probably would have been freaking the hell out if it had been Zack or Fran. You guys are way more like family than she is ♥